It was quite a surprise, to be blunt. Everything was ill-planned this very morning. I had to teach in a very short notice. I was called on the phone and within 15-20 minutes I simply had to be at the park teaching. Saying no was not an answer apparently. He just called in a rush and hung up the phone, leaving me all alone in complete panic.
“How am I supposed to do now?” I asked myself frantically. Still dumbfounded by the shocking request, I said to myself I might have run away, fled the situation but how about responsibility? Gosh, I was such in awe because under such a circumstance I was still taking that into account.
Another yoga friend was asking on the messenger how long I would arrive there and I felt horrible for coming unfashionably late! This was not what I pictured in my mind about my first class attended by a lot of people (around 10-20 people at a public area). Complete chaos was what I would shortly undergo, I shouted at myself.
And the people were sitting there while I was dashing with my mat on my back. I was trembling to tell you all the truth but there was no time to complain, I knew I could only rely on no one but myself and the Divine.
So with my greatest effort, I tried my best to calm myself first, accompanied with the emerging sense of self confidence. I guessed everyone there read my body languages, that I was not fully prepared for this. I was struggling inside out!
Apart from the panic and fuzzy hatred out of my helplessness, I stealthily gathered my shattered courage because no matter what I had to lead the class waiting for me impatiently. Inhale deeply and focus as I was sitting down on the rolled blue mat one of my teachers gave me. Damn hard but I tried to proceed and survive. I said to them, “Centering. Focus on your inner self…” But that was directed to myself as well. The student inside me was dragging me down with the instruction, but the teacher of me pushed me back to the hard cold truth that morning: “You’re a teacher, the authority here. Stay aware of students and of course yourself. Take that responsibility and suck it up.”
I opened my eyes and here was a flock of people in front of me, staring at me, watching closely what I did. “Forget it and show them what you want to share,” a voice inside me whispered. That’d be easy, I supposed. Just focus on sharing what I have got, period. Who cared if someone sneered at my techniques or asanas or cues or … Whatever. It was a struggle to remain ignorant of these things throughout the practice.
So I started the practice with some gentle stretching here and there. And oh I forgot twisting poses but that was absolutely ok because I just realized now, not before the class. That was not a big deal. No one noticed, or no one dared to question me. Yoga students are mostly too polite to challenge novice teachers. And thank God, I was spared.
But the self critic inside me constantly blurting, “Tsk, you forgot that and this..and these and those.”
And came an Iyengar yoga teacher, catching me off guard. I had literally no idea about his presence, which was good. My single-mindedness (or nervousness) seemed to be working best. A friend who taught yoga several weeks ago here lost his focus while teaching as he knew this Iyengar yoga teacher. He was so scared of being visually observed and thus judged and criticized. You know when it comes to perfection pursuit, Iyengar teachers teach with utmost discipline like that of soldiers. Obviously, ignorance is a total bliss!
Unlike the asanas captured on the majority of photos I always upload on the web, the asanas I chose to perform during the class were considerably easier and way less challenging to even a beginner (so I thought). But as I observed the participants, I discovered one or two with advanced yoga skills. That could be either because they are regular students somewhere else or they’re basically light and found it effortless to stand upside down.
A caucasian lady in her 50s was among the crowd. In an instant, I knew she is an avid yogini. She was quite familiar with the atmosphere of yoga class. She even could smart-guess my gesture without listening to my bilingual instructions. I spoke both English and Indonesian while teaching, in order not to leave her puzzled. She wasn’t but I was! I was puzzled because I failed to arrange the flow of the class in an orderly way. Blame it on the nervousness. I came from sitting poses to standing, squatting, and then standing in balance, and backbending and finally inversion poses. As random as the order might seem, what made more concerned was whether they realized I was struggling to find my class flow. It didn’t take a genius to come to complete realization that I am an amateurish instructor or a poser trying to give one or two bites of instruction, order, explanation, and sometimes, jokes. Jokes that were intended more to make myself comfortable in front of these people, instead of making this class a little bit more lively.
As if the nervousness and lack of preparation and teaching skills were not enough, the battery of the microphone I was using gradually ran out. To say I was frustrated even more was an overstatement. I was too powerless to get furious and furthermore I didn’t know who to reprimand. I let the frustration and anger go. “And maybe this is the right time to conclude the class”, I mumbled. Class is over. Namaste…
Jakarta, July 7, 2013